why being last can be first

so i was at friends house ( rose ) on sunday , I was pretty out there ,tired and what not
but some people were hungry
so we went out to buy some ice cream no thanks to yo_yo
but honestly it was a decision that changed my mind for a while

we bought 2 , pecan i think and a personal fav , cookies and cream
so after 20 mins of bothering the ladies at the cow farm thingy we left got to her house
and started pigging out literally so heres the kick

i told myself , the best part is the slowly melting part on top of the icecream , its not melted but its not fully ice cream , its creamy but still with texture , i said wow when you get a nice spoon full its a good taste :D

SO i told myself you have to be last in life sometimes to come out on top

and i started to think again , wow this ice cream is not bad for 4 bucks , kinda expensive but still good ........

food for thought >_> i hate saying that but it fits so what can i dozzzzzzzz

i hit my head on the glass on my way out the car

when your friends are gone and your all naked again , who will tell you your flaws .....keep the worst at bay i can tell who your faking it for ......


run away , nothing seems like it was when you were a teen
time starts to roll down
slow down again cause no body looks at life and says nothing is different.......

never making sense
iv done it always
my mind is bruised and my conscious is blank

i stare to my right and see a light glow brighter
i stare outside the front glass and i see things upside down
i glare at my self and i see im naked

in the blood drenched seats i unbuckle myself and i crawl out again
i know its a stretch but this time i deserve to walk away

i crawled to soon and cut my throat

as it flows out
the lights around me fuzz

the more i push
the more i lose

and the more i think about you
the more i want you to stop talking to me

these lights are nothing but a reminder
that help is on the way , just pray we both wake up in time.

stop me from bleeding .............

------------------------------------------

right before the crash ends

broken glass surrounds me and i cant help but cut my self when i move forward

when you say things like that i feel like i can sway like your emotions
but its nothing personal we both know it
when it happens , it's unplanned

it came across as if you were mad
but this is how it feels when you walk away from faith

between the seams
it never seems to be the same

it came across like a lie
so dont blame me when i felt surprised

between the scene
things fall apart to build up to a better thing

its a fact that you want me to be someone
and i know your genuine

between you and i
we both know it might be the world to us

nostolgic

"if i last through the winter , is swear i wont call "



will i last through the winter ?
the fall of unity and the rise of pain
a final fall that's fun just to look at
just like a fight through an open door


patience , fighting through
patient , its what i am now
remember REMEMBER IV BEEN TRYING To
get back to our center , recenter

leave as fast as you came , with no limitations , wondering how iv become , nothing more , just a fucking boy with a great big void,you mean so much more ......

its the feeling knowing your still around what kills me , if i could take back time, i would turn times arrow back into my hands and this time i would walk away

even if you dont look back
be sure to remember who was there
you wont feel alone
becuase i feel like were falling

its sad
to fall from this place
so high
im falling
but your not there anymore

leading this
inside i was insane with us in thought
dont stop talking about me
becuase its all you have left of the one that saved you

ill be wondering around
wondering how i got so lost

so fucking scared

its been some time since ifelt this alone in this world

a feeling so deserted



ill keep feeling wide awake until this winter passes by

a burning hole inside a winded fighter

im still destroyed like the city of Atlantis
what would you do if i still cared for her
and even said i missed her a little
unless the waters come through
i cant stop but feel like chocking on my words
and to come to this conclusion

iv done nothing but hold on


do you really know how it feels
the sound of there laughter
while my heartbeat goes cold
while it follows me home
i know some day i might get my chance

but

i might not sleep again tonight



to the saints

ill fall on my face again
but ill keep her in my prayers
ill keep love in faith and faith in my love
and ill keep living until i know its my turn to pass it on
my knowledge is fire and the minds of the youth need to burn

but
before its too late

i need to burn the broken hearts
and i need to set the hopeless on fire
i have to melt the heart of the one that wants me
and i need to mold them into people that live with a purpose


i just hope some one can engulf me in the fire of love some day

mazdaphotoshoot :)

a silent trumble in a wave of screams

why i wrote this

iv had alot to do in my young life
im 21 but iv had the chances to attend many art schools , medical schools , etc
i had the chance to destroy my life , destroy others and kill everything around me
iv fought for my beliefs , iv cried becuase iv been wronged and iv given up on alot
but i never gave up on giving forward and being as honesnt as i can be even if i dont get inside .
the person i ever trusted the most has left me
iv had things stolen from me
iv been mocked and pushed down
iv almost been homeless , almost killed many times
and live in the hospital for days when i though i was mentally dying


i dont want much in life other then the things i feel would make me happy , i dont want a supermodel
or a millionaire but obviously being financially stable would be nice lol

i never expect more then a thank you from any one , and i never back down from a good argument but
im wise enough to appreciate the fight and understand why

but there are people out there and know how satisfying wearing your favorite jeans and sweater
those are the people that will change the world
not the ones that live day to day saying but doing
it might not be something to impact the world but it will impact some one in some way

for me one of the few things other then soup , mazda , and abstract art , and a few other things , has been the band thursday

i finnaly saw them after 8 years
i respect them as people more then a band becuase thats what they are
i can relate to alot of what they sing and i learned from everything they do



fuck this just read the dam thing :) i hope some one does
and i hope some one learns from how i feel

i still miss my ex , but i know im better off now................


=====================================================================================================

"I've just always felt like it's really hard to express yourself when you're not engaged in trying to help people be free."

geoff rickly


special thanks to adelyn milian :) for some input ( good ones too not that shitty ones everyone else gives ) and corrections , and .....alot of disagreement

and Geoff , last Tuesday 3_17_09 really opened my eyes ....... i appreciate everything you guys have done for me .



the social destruction of feelings
i know how bad it feels
to lose hope to a fire set by a friendly unknown
when your other is unaware of your presence in plain sight
the sacrifice becomes unclear
and they both win tonight
a set of stairs that lead up and down
just like the emotions of a broken heart mending
when you lose hope you want to take it back
and reconstruct the will of hope

as i walk down the street wondering why
i never looked up and said why
i see people argue , fight , smile , destroy and tear people apart
but i never seemed to give in
right on the edge of this fight
i never stopped to say good bye

the love you gave to me was nothing more then pure
and the love i gave back was nothing less of me
its something we can all relate too
but its nothing they ever gave you

when you think about being the one being swallowed alive
it makes it hard to swallow your pride

when i think about myself and where iv been the past years
i see nothing any more
a sad truth
but at least i know i have something to look forward to

becuase its something we all have in common

the common thought of being alive

being a person
crying at night becuase they left you for some one else
not being able to pay your rent
starving
being alone even when your waiting in line for food stamps

the
unknown
feeling
of
compassion


its the thought of common exsistence

लेट थे मौंतें स्लीप्त (let the mountain sleep)

"It was a thousand years, one thousand loves, one thousand dreams, one thousand endings!
With no goodbye"