:)

i took this of my grandmother , shes been ill for over a month , please pray for her

silence is a reaction we get when things are in the air

for her , this isnt fair

she lives quietly

fights fiercely

i love her

she understood life

and manages to figure exsistence out

she is my grandma

Why I'm afraid of hospitals

Because I found out today this place doesn't care how many times I cry for her to feel no pain

Bb

Cold and sober
The thoughts and views
Because fire once burned
He seems to regret burning himself twice
If all voices made a sound
Then
Everyone would listen
If all tall grass is experience
Then
trees equal foundation

The sun donates and promotes
But undersands self respect
The earth is our horse
But we continue to mistreat it
It will soon die
And our sons and daughters will be saved if free from sin and hope is within

The giver will give and pray for forgiveness
Because
When the taker
Appreciates with sins
New lives soon begin

No frown

Flip me upside down ad you will see me smile
See things in black & white , so you can see the colors inside

The workforce

I work and work
Never scream that my back hurts
So I sit up and sell my soul
Wisphers over shadow
And wallets empty like ruthless lovers

Every product numbered like cattle
Every customer , statistics to be controlled someday

Every two weeks I get my prize
My hard work is appreciated to the lowest
Possible manner
With respect I accept
With anger I scream
By with gratitude I cry
I have.a job

Glowstik

In waiting for my glow to blend out
Slowly melt
Vanish into the sky
Blend into space

My core can Only last so long

Love

Has sent me around the world
But it never saved me
It showed me curses
It burned me alive
Never said sorry
Even while I waited for god
You think it's nothing more then patience
It's nothing but consequence

Love won't let me sleep
So I cut my soul
Into bookmarks
And I let people read me
Iv never been so open to pain
Love won't let us sleep

&
It doesn't Matter

It. Is crazy....

Like the last words you said for me to read

Because you're still there

I hate you

I really hate you


Love has only led me to lonelyness

The tick if the clock is something I chase
In my room ,alone

And sun light shadows are a game

Bed covers are forts

And pillows are clouds

I'm still in a nightmare

I hide my map and guidelines

Because i'm still waiting for a rescue team

Life is nothing but cruel and it burns my soul
Ashes of newspaper burn slower
And I'll never forget how it felt

You were the cancer girl

I

Still remember she loved it when

I slowly walked behind her
And found a way to make her smile

When I always showed up to her house

When I always lost to her playing off road racing

When I wispherd her our secret love word

When I told her I'll always be there

When I promised her I'll be there

When I proved to her that I was there

But

I loved it when she lied and said

I will never leave you

I'm spinning around like faith thrown up in the air

And I stoped screaming I swear

I'll always remember

Waiting to forget

Too her

It warms you
And it's cold
We try to find a well meant thought
When I come back
There are ashes in the shadow
When we see ourselves this time
One of us will laugh

Everyone we love
Surrounds


Everyone we love
The ones that are always around

To my first love
It will always heal
And I'll stay and take the deal

Even if in a million years
I'm dropping glass
Your love is something I'm glad was taken away from me

Bye

The best Tuesday iv ever had

So I waited all day but no contact
So I make a move
Things were in action

Then patience kicked in
Patience


Time
And
Emotions
Pause

Then it rains
15$ gone

Then in search for a bank
Even though it was late
We still continued
Walking into the venue we can hear geoff
Preach

Finding out
Thursday
Put thier show ahead of another
To allow them to play ,

Despite missing more then half of the show
I felt connected
Seeing a smile of my friends face
Fightig off a mosh pit
It was amazing


Good friends never die
And it's proof ba experiences are best shared with true friends

No ticket sign
But

It was the best Tuesday I ever had

I want to see it another a way

The way I am is getting me nowhere
Even though I care
Everythig isn't fair


If there is a god
My heart of gold
Would have been worth somethig

I don't know what to be

I see the reason to move on


I don't know how to change from being me

I started to get lost along my way

I can't wait for beauty to shine my day

i will never understand , well i do but its my secret , today its about friends ?

im fed up by it
no one seems to be honest
nor wants to be
i dont know how friendships last
with my luck
im surprised i had a relationship

lol

any way this isnt a poem or anything
just the way i talk
everything always comes down
and like poems
my life always ends at the bottom
even when i write the most beautiful thing
or describe how much i enjoyed my past

you can see nothing ever changes
ill be honest with an honest question
ill even be blunt right now
i hate my friends lol

well sorta , i hate most people that consider themselves my friends
especially when i end up missing
i never worry about who is where
even though i wouldn't mind the interaction
i am human and love to talk
but how come when i have to say something
everyone never searches for me
it seems that my voice only counts when people
need to add another person to their , i know that guy but nothing about him , but i know more people then you do , list


sigh

i hate myself , because i am the one that understands where life is going
id rather die tonight then lie again .

good bye

my life , his words
Steps Ascending

----------

im still trying to understand , but im giving up

into the blinding light/ autum leaves revisited

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9do1huU6mkU amv
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sW3KRPHZmM thursday podcast

We stare into the blinding light to see what's between us. It's red and it's white like lies, like lipstick on last-look good-byes. The substance assimilating to watch the bodies burst into a string of lights. When there's nothing left, the party crashes and the rings come out form the jacket pockets into the blinding light. The fire is dying out and there's nothing left to burn except for ourselves. The cinema speaks as you take off your clothes and burst in dissimulation. Just let your body burst into a streak of light. When there's nothing left, the wedding crashes and the rings fall off, roll out the bedroom window into the blinding light. Please someone help me - take away my loneliness. Please someone fill me - take away my emptiness. Please someone touch me - take away my longing. And please someone, please someone... Please someone show me the light... Please someone - Take away my sadness. Please someone kill me – tear me up and throw me away. And the rings fall out like a silver snowfall into the blinding light. Just make your body burst into single lines. When there's nothing left, the heart rate crashes and the rings fall out as we turn each other into the blinding light. White night coming down. Silent armies all around. Deep sleep covering. Enemies in clean white sheets. (The sky went off-white, it snowed for fourteen years. The sunlight splintered into all out darkest fears.)

====
The leaves will fallAnd so will youWhen you do, bury me under them tooSeconds pass; we’ll make it throughEventually we all go homeIt won’t be longIt won’t be longWe walk along the wire tied between horizonsYou close your eyes like it’s nothing at allThroughout the rise and fall, everything, everythingChanges, I will be here when you dieIt won’t be longIt won’t be longUntil we find our way homeDid you hear the trumpets play the day your father died?Did a violin swell those circles under your eyes?Did you play the part straight, like a marcher?Get lost in the beat, thinking and feelingDid the drums in the streets make the people dance?Or fall to their knees as the sound?Knock the leaves from the treesAs they fall from the branch, the look beautifulAs they hung in the airSpinning aroundDid you float in the air?Spinning aroundThere must be somewhere that cigarettes burn through the nightAnd the leaves don’t abandon their trees to the lightWhere the skies always clearAnd the summer never endsWon’t you take me there?The leaves will fallSo will youWhen you do, bury meUnder them tooSeconds pass; we’ll make it throughEventually we all are going home


lyrics to two amzing songs.


==================================
today was a bad day , i never felt so unaccomplished
and i never knew feeling this low can be addressed so nicely
falling out like teeth
and living in a dream
but i regret nothing i say
in a worn out situation
and a broken rendition of love
its not what it used to be
and i feel like iv never been there
your in my heart
around my neck

and you wont let go anymore
when it reaches the end of the line
ill see my self , blackend , with broken hearts
when the gates come crashing down,
i will know you have moved on .
when kings back down
lives will change
when the queen dies
hope is lost


when city streets are silent
the mice come out to play
like ants that build
they never do things on purpose
like words that i put
you wont understand


not done.

more then you know

We surpassed every dream I had as a kid, and where do you go from there, you know?


becuase you weren't just a day of the week
you were a life time of help
you didn't do it for the fame
and when your preaching led you there you knew it was time to walk away
a new front for something misunderstood
a face for a body that no one feels

a band that lets you feel
you can relate even if you cant understand

ill never be done with this .

Ever

Did you ever notice
The things around
Never in bound
Dying
No sound

Fire
And water
Never safe no matter in what idea contradicting
No body cares

So we cry
What about us

What if we could do it agian
Will we learn agian
Our walk into another dead end

Find a way

I'm over and out
Lay down
I'll make you smile
Forget the world
I'll shield you
Let me hug you all night

Before you walk out on me again
I want you to make sure this is my path
One more time to say
I love you always
I'm keeping faith
Lettig love find a way

Everything repeats in my head
I'll lay down
Pretend the pillow is you
And il feel love leak out of me

I'd rather hold the knife in my neck
And slowly die of fear
There's so much I can feel

Let me heal
And soon another side will be revealed

Owdjsjxhajorinrbxhebfilel

Do you need help ? Understand a statement ? Confused because of the obvious ? Lost because some one gave you love ? Has some one ever promised to be there but you ended up walking away ?

Regret hate but never deny anger

No matter what

Never let a situation ruin a relationship

Fight

It's inside
My feelings are blind
I'm slowly losing my mind

It's hard to say how I feel....

It's months later
Iv become an emotinal darth vader
And you were my favorite invader

Since you'v been gone it's not the same


and I try
Baby I fucking try
Your no longer mine
But don't remind me
I want to stay in my closet
And regret those night I didn't respond to the dial tone

I'm all alone

So you run away
While I melt inside
I flow down the street and I feel the need
To touch others the way you used too

I will change the world

Because unlike you
I never was afraid to fight

I see love in sight

Peace

It can mean
A river or a stream
A stem into the other side

A man can be a man
But if he's nothing but adixk then dam

Why is it so hard
I was burning
And when the rain came
And the city went down below
All I wanted was love
Pure like white snow

When we open love
Nothing else matters

For that matter
I'll explain
Rather then say it
Let it replay


My exsistrnce began with me

Nothing

Great strides
Let's retake our belongings
Because what I just said makes sense
Take my things
And give them to me
Because give and take
Because take and give
Because no matter how you see it
No matter how you feel it
There is always some one trying to steal it

Rearrange my ideas
And line up my errors
File my friends
Reorganize my sentaments
Most people live for cosmetics
But a few people live for what's undercover

Determine someones worth
And listen to thier appearence
Nothing seems like it used too
And no one understand my ideas

Some one once said that some one once told.him

You must always bow down
But that's a lie people say to be on top

Eh

I fell like I paid my cell phone bill for no reason , I guess I miss her because I don't ever really remember being home on a saturday night



So here we go



Clear my throat
Are you ready?
Hold steady
Another wish
That I would not live like this
I remeber when we used to fish
Upset , and polite .
Nights

Nights.....

And


Well w.e I'm done for tonight

Need to find a way ?

The sun comes down inside
But I lie say I'm fine
How I miss . miss divine
It's random
A phantom
Living emotinaly slanted
The works collapses and you hold it in
I sink inside
And listen to songs I used to listen when we fought
I swear I never tried this hard
And I
Swear baby
I never thought

Watch my jaw drop
Watch my heart stop
Watch my love come to a halt

I'll never stop missing my ......


I'll pretend this never happend

I don't know how you did it .....

Remember

Who was there
I want to love you forever
But I have to move on
Move along

School starts in 2 more weeks this was a slow ass week !!!!!!
Can't believe my life still sucks but I don't really mean it . I really want my lens and dedicated selling my games untill I get my lens !!!!!!!!!!

My coworker has an amazing ass!.... Not to be disrespectful but w.e it's not like I'm ever going to talk to her which is strange because she acts the way I like them quiet to herself and respectfull but she looks devious



I got my final grades and I passed with shiity b's >_> eh w.e ......

Well too much to write and little battery life .... Fmi.tbl

Like or not too like

So I see you around
Never make a sound
Look at who I found

Sigh

for that someone
There's a void that needs to be clogged




When I love I change the weather
I think of you and it becomes hard to keep it together
The flow of ideas
And stream of ideals
It's all too real
Your love is all I want to feel

So I smell a quiet mind
Full of life
I keep in mind your mine

Pizza fest

So the past few days have been interesting , a step in a split direction
I'm done with classes and can't wait to start class again , ...... I'm trying to buy my lens but bestbuy sucks when it comes to shipping ....:/ any way .......

That's it for now

Lovers block

So the wall arose
And I'm all alone

Another update

I'm not sure how to describe my surroundings at the moment

I heard a band I haven't heard in a long time ,a band that helped define emo/alt/hardcore who were discoverd by goldfinger . Which is another good band .

It's a band that as teenaged and emotinal as they sound are very talented . Anyway it was a band at a point in my life defined love for me in a deeper level

So as I lay down
I'm astound

.......sooooooooo moving on
I write most of these on my itouch(myself :D )so please excuse the grammer

I'm going to jerk off a bit

Photos

I DID a horrible thing
AND IM SORRY

I SHOULD HAve never thrown your photos
AND NEVER SHOULD HAVE BURNED THEM

I WANT TO RIP MY CHEST OPEN AND GIVE YOU MY FUCKING HEART

I WANT YOU TO SQUeze IT UNTILL IT EXPLODES

AND WATCH THE BLOOD

PAINT THE WALL

AND SPLATTER YOUR FACE

SPEAP INTO YOUR PORES

AND FEEL ME GROW INSIDE OF YOU

So you can feel how hurt I was

So far

So I'm still single
Yes I know :D
Some one as sexy as I
Single

Things are mending
Times bending
If lost my moments in time
I mean to say Iv spaced out
A few times lately
School and work have been on top
Of me more then cheeseyness in a
Soap opera
And iv been a bit careless

In fairness iv never been productive
While being broken hearted
Not to say I am but sometimes it feels like it

Soon someone ..... Just be safe

I'll miss you awkwardly
Things never went anywhere
Sometimes I wonder if I was that person
That was everything that didnt attract you

I honestly did like you and never said a thing too play with your emotions

Hope your apple is shiny red



-------------

So present time
Everything is fine
It's late


So yea I feel like iv said enough
But I'm done
Ask anything and I won't deny

Time to admit something
I'm afraid
The fate of love/fedelity
Passion
.....love lol

I honestly feel like I will never find the one

I don't even know if I believe in "the one"
Never really gave it much thought

Yes one thing I never game much thought too

I let go a long time ago
Just want some one that matches my soul

I am

At peace with the destructin of my well being

Visual appeal

I see those creative souls
I
It's insaine how many beautiful
Minds swarm the hall ways
Each one I feel like painting all over my wall
Grab my brush and Lol you know
The fashion students
With there cocky walks that say
"I know your looking "
The tease
One night with me will leave you more then please

Don't taunt me with the ones that love to
Paint
Everytimr I see one I almost faint
The art of. A saint
So sexy
It's amazing
Just want to grab your hair
I won't hurt you I swear
Mix our reds and white
Make your body feel pale white

I just want to fuck you all night

I love my school
It really defines

Not everything beautiful is full of beauty

No one ever bothers

It's late I took a short nap and I'm still a buy flusterd about my computer situation . So the song war all the time started playing and it made think



War all the time
It's a social crime
I can't fight without a reason
I can't wait for my ending
Because I'm stuck in the middle of slmeone elses war

I finally accept death
I feel it's coming and I don't mean too sound like a depressing asshole but understand this I gave my happyness too some one and never got any in return
I'm. Bored of life I mean i have a few good friends but I need a companion some one that I know has the same mutual ideals of needing too feel and share that side of life

I need
Not want
Because I already had a want

I need someone that loves sex , loves creativity , loves random situations , doesn't mind my funky look , loves to toke , can put up and help me

I can say I was never the best but if never been close to being a bad boyfriend in anyway

I agree with a friend who said I never date a guy(I feel limei haveto say a girl LOL I know some people think I'm gay) unless I see myself with them forever and it really struck me because it was strange for someone other then me to say.

I need to change the world

The day before

I'm really fucking angry ,I'm torn and feel defeated .it's never my nature to say give up but if tried and tried I feel like my life is planned with the worst in mind. I can't stop having moments of frustration and emotional destruction .I can admit I think I'm reaching a breaking point .I never in my world thought I would ever feel what I'm feeling .

Being single could be a part of my problem but being myself is a part of the first problem . So as I'm laying down writing how I feel,bluntly, no poems or anything ,I keep wondering is it worth it ?

Is it fair for myself ? Is it fair that I put up with such buildup ?is it ok to live the way I'm living ? It's an everyday situation and it's literally showing

I don't feel as alone as I used too
I don't care as much in some situations
And all I want to do is fuck do drugs, Listen and make music , do artwork and inspire

I think my dreams are slowly coming true
The problem is , my dreams were never about myself

I really wonder who took the time to read this , I should buy you lunch and hope my card doesn't get declined because my life likes to fuck me like that randomly

The day that girl comes along
I hope she knows what sacrifice means
I'm done falling apart alone

And you walk away

When the sky falls
I'll cry till dawn
Fall to sleep so our dreams come true
Don't be afraid
Of What your mind can see
We must make a stand for what we believe
During the struggle
They will pin us down
But please let's use this to turn things around

Bright horizon
Fires
Flood and faith
During the struggle
I'll hold you
Your faith
It's in breakable

During the struggle
They will pull us down

TALK TO ME
how could this be
Our sores
When our arms bend
Our eyes bleed
Our heart flat lines


I'v had recurring nightmares




That I was loved for who I am






.....and missed the opportunity to be a better man

My turn

So.........

Let me tell you a love story
It's a little blurry

I once met a girl
I fell in love
And then it was over

I'm happy for her misfortune
But I'm sad at my gain

Years and years
I'm single
And I never thought I would be alive after
Such pain

Past few months felt like
Everyday was filled with rain




Ok that's done

So let me smile
Laugh for a while

Where a man is defined

You showed me to live like this
By showing me love is priceless
Even if life is a hit or miss
If any man knows what it is to be a man
It's too know where he stands

I glance to the sky
Sigh
I'm not lost in my mind
Just want something too find
I know how I stand

I learn from the streets
I know where lovers meet
I still have blood on my feet
I know mentally I"ll never be beat
I know why I stand

Broken glass
I'm dying fast
I moved from my past
I won't die last
I know the sacrifice of a man

We hold our smokes
Between our lips we leave a gap
We burn
And we exhale
Like hope our lungs will soon look pale
I know I have to let go of bad habits to become a better man

I know where I stand
When people die they take a part of me
I just want you too see
I'm a man with a plan
I know my reason for which I stand

Land of the lost

Your open
But live in a cave
Still not a mental slave
You mend like no other
You came across
And surprised me
Maybe your wiser then me
You want ccontrol
Because it let's other dig your hole
Maybe because...........

I'm better make sure your lookig closely
before You enter your next swoon
And sway with awareness
A good organized mess
I felt refresshed

You write
And write
Full of emotional fight
Take control

Maybe because you have a hurt soul

......

Remove my soul from this planet
Im giving up on love

Sex

i never wrote a poem about sex from what I recall I don't like this one but it's an idea

I'm definitly redo this one :)



So he shoves it in your face
Asks "baby do you like how it taste"
You reply with seduction
"baby yours is the best , better then the rest"
He bites your lips
And licks your lit
He grabs your waist
And tells you how great you taste

I look down on you
I smile
It's hard
And your smile always gets to me
I love that get up
It always gets me up

Streets

City streets
Were love and warfare meets
I belong And I feel it
These lights
There so bright
Ally ways
So dark
They match like the emotions in my heart
Cracked pavements
And
Like my vains
They stain
They both relate
Experienced pain we both learn to retain
Homeless
I can't focus
Like a vagabond
I'm looked down on
Past time floods these streets
Like the blood that fills my head in this Miami heat
High rises filled with the rich
the ones where us vagabonds call a currupted bitch

The city full of mismatches
It's beautifull
I know I can never detach

I know my streets
They let my heart beat
These streets they never sleep
I will never forget you
Scratches from tires
It's a part of my desire
Downtown your more then a fire

I'm a part of you
I look for you
When I feel blue
The only one that's been truely you


I love you LOL

A war part 3

Bullet wounds
And smoke grenades
Like emotional stabs
And a drunks broken glass
The streets shine with flares of bombs
Like our home land were we celebrate independence
The same were destroying

We take lives
As fast as we lie
Every time
We march
Across the streets
Blood paints the walls
We fall to our knees in the churches hall

Silence six eight zero four

Three chalk outlines sleep in the dirty streets
And we lose ourselves in our sleep
And we scream "REPENT REPENT OH GO"
Was this amessage sent from the dove streaming in the horizon
Sent from peace makers

Someday I'll write the perfect poem for the hopeful

Silence six eight zero four

Three chalk outlines sleep in the dirty streets
And we lose ourselves in our sleep
And we scream "REPENT REPENT OH GO"
Was this amessage sent from the dove streaming in the horizon
Sent from peace makers

Someday I'll write the perfect poem for the hopeful

Time

My room is still a mess
My heart is still in my chest
It's sad but no one ever cared to know the rest
I can dream
And tell you what things mean
I can slow down time
I have
And it's wonderful
I felt like I was full of soul
Now



Time is at a dead halt
I pray it's not my fault



Everynight
I vision you turning back
With that glance
Playing zelda


I remeber where our hearts used to meet
Now we look away
And my heart skips a beat

It reminds me
about times arrow
And how unbiased
Unfair
Without care

Changed my life







It's not how I imagined us
It was never lust
Girl you still hold a part of my love
I can't deny
Because, love is something better with no lie

But you wore me down
And I degrade
I'm times renegade


Time is on no ones side
Don't worry
Life is a planned ride
Just remember you decide
Which is your ride

Letters to you

It's been months since iv heard from you
But I'm writing this just incase
Iv drowned myself to sleep a few times
But that's alright
Either sink or swim ,right ?
........
I knew this would be difficult
But i never knew the other side of love
Would swallow you whole
Is he loving you right
Holding you , making you feel alright ?
When you cry does he tell you things that makes the pain go away ?

I never strayed

I can't think
So I'll drink untill I sleep
Arches in your eye brows
That upside down frown

I don't care anymore as much as I still want you

I don't care nothing has changed

I don't care your history is mine



It's all mine


Tomorrow i'll wake up fine

So I'm writing you this letter I know
You will never read
I'm keeping alot inside


I'm hurt

Time doesn't heal
It only streches pain
Experience heals

I hope your ok

My regards

A war part2

United



Untied we grow
Our dreams
Full of athousand sorrows
Maybe tomorrow

The divide
It's what we call the battlefield and our hopes of a god
This is a war

Maybe tommorow

It will all be over

Tbc.....

A war part 1

Walk across
From the forest to the black war shade
Fire starters
Mothers and daughters
The death
The men died like toy martyrs
Last week I had a dream
We were floating
Holding a seam
Our blood sweat and tears glue this falg
We united and built this nation
Our forefathers reincarnation
When we fall
We Fall down to our knees
We hold our hands like hope is in our palms
Doomed like baby martyrs
When I walked into heaven
I found out we all fall again

Appeared and then was gone

It would float and would shine it's colors , it would sound like you were passing out .it arose and faded

It was never there
But I'd never left


Tbc......

Mother you care
But all I do is stare
You tell me this & that
But I look like I don't give a crap
We argue about my mess
But my room is my nest
I'm young but iv loved
I'm hopefull
But everyday I feel dull

I'm aware that life isn't a grand fair
But I never knew love was all but fair
I love you mom
Even when I don't share
I just feel like I don't want to care
Mothers like you , always rare
To not care about you, I would never dare

You lived
Loved
Your my dove
You never let me go
Always told me I have the leading role
Director of my own show

I know what true love is
Not because you told me
But because of the pain I saw from you

Again I'm sorry because I stare
Never reply
Walk away and sigh
I look like my emotions are dry
But trust me I try
Every day I cry

I'm sorry mom

I swear

Someday I'll try

Just let me live and die

Ion not my father

I will never leave your side




I love you mom

I do

Stay awake

Because I feel you
I am real too you
With time ,love I will reveal too you
I can't deny ,love is what I feel for you

Stay awake

For god sake
It's not tragic
The car crash it was gods magic
Death is what I fear from you
Death it's what I heal because of you

Stay awake because I need to make sure this love is real too you to.

Stay away because sleep is a cousin to death

Goodnight tonight

Darken corners
Dark rooms are gateways
Remind you of lost battles
Pull you back to sleepless nights
Nights filled with emotion and fights
Empty feeling , hope never in sight
When I close my soul I hold what's left
You left me alone
What emotional thieft
Ii cringe when I dare think
She's gone
My love

There's nothingelse for me to think

So

Goodnight too tonight
Sweet dreams
Sleep tight
My morning sunshine....she's in sight


:)

Departing love

You got away from me somehow and all we've tried to be
It's a wonder why my heart no longer beats like raging thunder
God only knows , I want to be the other side of misery
In time
I might never get what's mine
But that's fine
When did you start to crush me
When did you become my enemy

Sooner or later
Faith will shine


We never made it through another day
All because we had to have it your way

So lucky you

I'm wondering when I'll be ok

My departed love

I still wonder........

i might still care

so i have no idea where i stand anymore
i feel like everyone else has more
its sad
might even make me a little mad

i no longer want to care
hide my feelings
hope some one asks me to share
but like i said its never fair

people take there things for granted
when i had those i never ranted
maybe thats why my life feels slanted

ill try and sleep tonight
maybe with some emotional fright
all i know is that im tired of the emotional fight

but .............

what ever makes you happy
hope that didnt sound too sappy

maybe its not over
ill think clear when i get sober
i just dont want to miss you anymore

i some times think about you
maybe even more then i should
i feel wrong
becuase i was wronged

wishing i could write the perfect love song
i know ill would never do you wrong

no im not talking about my ex
nothing but a fucking mess
always in distress
i burn in my own flesh
melt into an emotional mesh


im done ...................

im still my own man , never mind the love that left me , im never giving up

i walk a mile in my own shoes , crown and chain , in the name of my father let the ceremony begin . im not on a mission on lost in loves transmission , im just a man , doing the best i can.

walking down a true love story

and i dont need you to tell me i dont love you
so i dont need you to say , you dont love me and if you dont

cause i love you and if you can , walk away

i see you walking down the streets some times
i see you looking down

i see you smiling on them shows sometimes

and when the night shine falls

in this city i will shine

thats why while im walking down this avenue .........................

i dont need you to say i dont love you

and i dont need you to say , that i dont need you to say i dont

down town

this could be you and me

down town we can ride to the mdpd

and turn ourselves in for stealing and breaking hearts

thats why

when i see you walking down the avenue

im never one to say i dont love you any more

im sorry for myself

becuase i realized that everything is becuase i decided it this way
and the worlds revolve around the dead
the mouth pours with saliva
from the numbness of realization that

becuase i loved some one , i destroyed myself

my best regards

to juan

im starting to believe that fate is nothing but ideas becuase we wish there would be no more hate

nothing else to do but start anew and ruin a new life

say its never easy
but never speak about how difficult it seems

do you know what love is now

and know what we could be ?

i wish i could make something beautiful

make you fall in love again with me

the days i hated are the days i feel the most

come on now
lets regret this moment
becuase when its all over
and nothing is left to lose
ill cry over them

things got dim
but its the only way for love to bloom
just like old history

if this is the end of us
ill sing us this good bye song

but if you have any regrets

....................


come on , what will it take
last nights dreams
are little scenes
formed from the great
seam that make me warm just with the thought of you

im torn
outworn
built into another form
baby you were the perfect storm

if this is the end of us
ill sing us this good bye song

but if you have any regrets
......you might as well come home



but this door already closed

ill be nothing forever , ill still say never ...

your a looker, a visual hooker
how sexy you are and how blinding you can be
your a fighter, one that kills with looks and right hooks
how hard you bruise a man
your a lover , a liar and deceiver and a fool
how much i fell for it

laying down on that black couch
i held you like a small pouch
planes would fly by
and the living room would die down
whispering was a past time
late night Okeechobee racing was my way of getting out quick

we all want to be remembered
well i remember you
for the wrong reasons
its better when you wish to stay around
but you think its fun to fool around

do i still cross your mind
now that i moved on ?
do you have a bitter taste
that what you did was wrong ?
some day you will be nothing more then a sad song
gone wrong ..........

punkfest 2009 pics msp1488

will have them up soon!!!!!!!!! unless i forget .... :o

old friends in new times

the widow is fragile and slowly unwinding her string
as strong as she strings along
thats how strong she keeps it inside

the fragile spider next door
has more faith then saints and mothers of soldiers
she wishes the widow faith and love , she cares

she senses her ailing friends health and prays for her



happy birthday grandma , and im glad you have a friend , one i wish i was ......

some time

it will determine how much im worth
but i know my value will be valued by some one else


im done with you and the people i thought i could have something with
im done with the ideas of you and the thoughts of anyone

unknown this makes no sense

for the sake of god its unknown but its known to those who wait
the fights emerge and the silence fades
a river full of lives flows down the side of cities with zombies
the fireworks celebrate the death of independence
and the fires mean its all done
no turning back

how many steps back was it when i lost count of how many iv progressed ?

another mind is in mine
and another day is behind
with out a trace im holding on to another day

wishing i never were
im letting go of everything
im lost without a trace

nothing to remember juan by
its not like my typos were ever counted or noticed
its not like i changed lives

maybe i have

but those are the ones that are no longer in mine
:)
like i told some one the other day

"peoples misery ......... gives me inspiration"

if you dont understand then your not in the right mentality

some day when you know what sacrifice means you will

why being last can be first

so i was at friends house ( rose ) on sunday , I was pretty out there ,tired and what not
but some people were hungry
so we went out to buy some ice cream no thanks to yo_yo
but honestly it was a decision that changed my mind for a while

we bought 2 , pecan i think and a personal fav , cookies and cream
so after 20 mins of bothering the ladies at the cow farm thingy we left got to her house
and started pigging out literally so heres the kick

i told myself , the best part is the slowly melting part on top of the icecream , its not melted but its not fully ice cream , its creamy but still with texture , i said wow when you get a nice spoon full its a good taste :D

SO i told myself you have to be last in life sometimes to come out on top

and i started to think again , wow this ice cream is not bad for 4 bucks , kinda expensive but still good ........

food for thought >_> i hate saying that but it fits so what can i dozzzzzzzz

i hit my head on the glass on my way out the car

when your friends are gone and your all naked again , who will tell you your flaws .....keep the worst at bay i can tell who your faking it for ......


run away , nothing seems like it was when you were a teen
time starts to roll down
slow down again cause no body looks at life and says nothing is different.......

never making sense
iv done it always
my mind is bruised and my conscious is blank

i stare to my right and see a light glow brighter
i stare outside the front glass and i see things upside down
i glare at my self and i see im naked

in the blood drenched seats i unbuckle myself and i crawl out again
i know its a stretch but this time i deserve to walk away

i crawled to soon and cut my throat

as it flows out
the lights around me fuzz

the more i push
the more i lose

and the more i think about you
the more i want you to stop talking to me

these lights are nothing but a reminder
that help is on the way , just pray we both wake up in time.

stop me from bleeding .............

------------------------------------------

right before the crash ends

broken glass surrounds me and i cant help but cut my self when i move forward

when you say things like that i feel like i can sway like your emotions
but its nothing personal we both know it
when it happens , it's unplanned

it came across as if you were mad
but this is how it feels when you walk away from faith

between the seams
it never seems to be the same

it came across like a lie
so dont blame me when i felt surprised

between the scene
things fall apart to build up to a better thing

its a fact that you want me to be someone
and i know your genuine

between you and i
we both know it might be the world to us

nostolgic

"if i last through the winter , is swear i wont call "



will i last through the winter ?
the fall of unity and the rise of pain
a final fall that's fun just to look at
just like a fight through an open door


patience , fighting through
patient , its what i am now
remember REMEMBER IV BEEN TRYING To
get back to our center , recenter

leave as fast as you came , with no limitations , wondering how iv become , nothing more , just a fucking boy with a great big void,you mean so much more ......

its the feeling knowing your still around what kills me , if i could take back time, i would turn times arrow back into my hands and this time i would walk away

even if you dont look back
be sure to remember who was there
you wont feel alone
becuase i feel like were falling

its sad
to fall from this place
so high
im falling
but your not there anymore

leading this
inside i was insane with us in thought
dont stop talking about me
becuase its all you have left of the one that saved you

ill be wondering around
wondering how i got so lost

so fucking scared

its been some time since ifelt this alone in this world

a feeling so deserted



ill keep feeling wide awake until this winter passes by

a burning hole inside a winded fighter

im still destroyed like the city of Atlantis
what would you do if i still cared for her
and even said i missed her a little
unless the waters come through
i cant stop but feel like chocking on my words
and to come to this conclusion

iv done nothing but hold on


do you really know how it feels
the sound of there laughter
while my heartbeat goes cold
while it follows me home
i know some day i might get my chance

but

i might not sleep again tonight



to the saints

ill fall on my face again
but ill keep her in my prayers
ill keep love in faith and faith in my love
and ill keep living until i know its my turn to pass it on
my knowledge is fire and the minds of the youth need to burn

but
before its too late

i need to burn the broken hearts
and i need to set the hopeless on fire
i have to melt the heart of the one that wants me
and i need to mold them into people that live with a purpose


i just hope some one can engulf me in the fire of love some day

mazdaphotoshoot :)

a silent trumble in a wave of screams

why i wrote this

iv had alot to do in my young life
im 21 but iv had the chances to attend many art schools , medical schools , etc
i had the chance to destroy my life , destroy others and kill everything around me
iv fought for my beliefs , iv cried becuase iv been wronged and iv given up on alot
but i never gave up on giving forward and being as honesnt as i can be even if i dont get inside .
the person i ever trusted the most has left me
iv had things stolen from me
iv been mocked and pushed down
iv almost been homeless , almost killed many times
and live in the hospital for days when i though i was mentally dying


i dont want much in life other then the things i feel would make me happy , i dont want a supermodel
or a millionaire but obviously being financially stable would be nice lol

i never expect more then a thank you from any one , and i never back down from a good argument but
im wise enough to appreciate the fight and understand why

but there are people out there and know how satisfying wearing your favorite jeans and sweater
those are the people that will change the world
not the ones that live day to day saying but doing
it might not be something to impact the world but it will impact some one in some way

for me one of the few things other then soup , mazda , and abstract art , and a few other things , has been the band thursday

i finnaly saw them after 8 years
i respect them as people more then a band becuase thats what they are
i can relate to alot of what they sing and i learned from everything they do



fuck this just read the dam thing :) i hope some one does
and i hope some one learns from how i feel

i still miss my ex , but i know im better off now................


=====================================================================================================

"I've just always felt like it's really hard to express yourself when you're not engaged in trying to help people be free."

geoff rickly


special thanks to adelyn milian :) for some input ( good ones too not that shitty ones everyone else gives ) and corrections , and .....alot of disagreement

and Geoff , last Tuesday 3_17_09 really opened my eyes ....... i appreciate everything you guys have done for me .



the social destruction of feelings
i know how bad it feels
to lose hope to a fire set by a friendly unknown
when your other is unaware of your presence in plain sight
the sacrifice becomes unclear
and they both win tonight
a set of stairs that lead up and down
just like the emotions of a broken heart mending
when you lose hope you want to take it back
and reconstruct the will of hope

as i walk down the street wondering why
i never looked up and said why
i see people argue , fight , smile , destroy and tear people apart
but i never seemed to give in
right on the edge of this fight
i never stopped to say good bye

the love you gave to me was nothing more then pure
and the love i gave back was nothing less of me
its something we can all relate too
but its nothing they ever gave you

when you think about being the one being swallowed alive
it makes it hard to swallow your pride

when i think about myself and where iv been the past years
i see nothing any more
a sad truth
but at least i know i have something to look forward to

becuase its something we all have in common

the common thought of being alive

being a person
crying at night becuase they left you for some one else
not being able to pay your rent
starving
being alone even when your waiting in line for food stamps

the
unknown
feeling
of
compassion


its the thought of common exsistence

लेट थे मौंतें स्लीप्त (let the mountain sleep)

"It was a thousand years, one thousand loves, one thousand dreams, one thousand endings!
With no goodbye"