12/31/2010 the other side of the crash

i know im not the only one in this world feeling what i have inside
its not a single feeling
its universal and a concept we feel no one ever knows about
in this place where things are transmitted and received our brains
our box.......where feelings can be blocked still allow
things to dominate , so many songs i have heard in my life
casting the radio as if its never in existence

donations and common Courtesy
inflation and social demeanour


its the last day of the year
and everything is so dry
like sand paper nothing is easy to feel

im not getting far with this post
im not sober its 3 : 14

and in a short time i feel as if nothing will never be the same again

its been a good year and i say it with a sour taste because there is nothing wrong with liking sour things

i accept it all i bleed red no matter what happens
feelings may have been hurt but
my name stays the same
its who i am
i can forget love
and remember hate
but i love hate and forget love
its a daily battle

i wake up repeating the words
cars cars cars cars to forget my ex and my feelings of this girl
im not weak

i just really care
im a man of faith
where clouded windows can prove we have something inside to give

i wish i could write the universe down
i wish i could erase things that seem to not matter
i wish i could find some one that can really be who i am
and be who they are

flash these lights
headed to near fights
what have i done
off to the streets where there is no light
so i say to ssaints
where is god if i write his name
no prayer brings him to me
but i must pray to be happy after death ?
my mind is making life up

tiny slits between our words cut our nerves
so we break out and fight
becuase we cant command life

we are nothing but the things we leave in our mind


im talking shit
idc idk imy

x_x
its only 3:44 and the signal is fading

im done

ill ttyl blogger

a feeling

so i swear my heart is red
as it comes crashing down
my wrist feel a burn from your grab

it was a passing afternoon
following paths that gave way
air waves that took our breathe away

minutes that never said live for another day
my feelings swoon
circle around my thoughts like an eclipsed moon

we glue our arms along a wire
and struggle to let loose the noise of a withered noose
we hang ourselves to see what we missed years before

so i feel my soul grab you
my own snafu
a sign of frustration

so beautiful
as a heart beat
sitting alone , along on the edge of a cliff

where lights never dim
shades never fade
where the sky never cringe

death up there shine more brightly then life down here

lies come for the truth mistold

grasping for air
holding your hand there
im invisibile
but you feel me surround your skin

when you wake up alone
hear whispers of iv missed you
if you dont feel it today
dont worry
its going to appear one day

held your neck so tight
press my palm with force on your chest
feel beads divide our skin
roll over and soil the feeling on your chest

your perfume comes and hits the glass
your sense sends me into another state
thoes lips reaching for my hug
but i cant help but sink like a stone

i squint my eyes to see you staring at me
suppose we lie awake
do we believe the truth while we sleep ?

as the piano plays in the background

im in awe in amazement
how water can be paused
and love can be blended over experiences
my movements havent gotten me to point b

Again why have i felt like iv been sold out
am i that hard to find ?
laugh again and smart remarks
hover over a grave as a saint would to recover any lost soul

this body is a dismemberment of my mind
and i chose to say
"home is a desire you touch and set on fire"

7:01 am

im still not done killing myself

im so obvious its gay-_-

you fill my eyes with stars
but it doesn't seem to get me very far


we dont talk any more and its occupied my mind
its a spot of shine lighting in from an unknown source
it has me staring and it has me glaring
eyes wide
iv felt like iv scaled mountains and paper trees
i feel like iv watered down my body down

trying to rid myself of what troubles me
and set my pain free

iv rememberd our thoughts
they added up like numbers
011011000110100101101011011001010110000100100000011100110111010101101110001000000110001001110101011100100110111000100000011101000110100001101001011100110010000001100001011011000110110000100000011101000110111101101111011010110010000001110100011010010110110101100101001000000110011001101111011100100010000001101001011101000010000001110100011011110110111100100000011000010110011001100110011001010110001101110100001000000110110101100101001000000110000101101110011001000010000001101001011101000111001100100000011011000110010101100110011101000010000001101101011001010010000001100110011001010110010101101100011010010110111001100111001000000111010101101110011011010110111101110110011000010110001001101100011001010010000000101100011010010010000001101110011001010110010101100100001000000111010001101111001000000111001001100101011100000110110001100001011000110110010100100000011011010111100100100000011001100110010101100101011011000110100101101110011001110111001100100000011001100110111101110010001000000111100101101111011101010010000000101110

thoughts are thrown
and hearts begin too swoon

as it stands

things have gone way to far , and its leaving many scars. i cant see my grandma like this any more. i only sleep from being exhausted.hearing her voice after years brought me comfort.........i really did need it........ my family i wish the best i cant help but feel apathy for anything or any one....... dont wake me

as it stands
without standing for something
you will fall...

waiting to panic

stress induced lies
i cant live life even if love was alive
what do i do to get your attention
what do i get
not so cool ?
rude like an interuption

im sitting
and staring
.......im sinking while thinking

waiting to burst
like a ballon

what do i do
what do i do to get this through
im walking backwards
running side ways staring forward
my chest is exploading

\

Holding hands

Interlaced and warm
Change in our hands form
Cup and stitched
Link ourselves like a ball and chain
Your the only thing I never want to change

Things

I have secrets I wish to share
I have knowledge Im going to take to heaven
I have ideas that no one has thought of
I also have love n one understands

Stop my heart

I wish i could sing you this .....


Under the floor I swept secrets
Busted doors
Like river Flows

I feel so damned

The last one
I can't conceal
For only one moment
I want to say I love you

For all that you know
It's fuel for a blown out fire

It makes me feel so down

And noises fade out like an old radio
And my heart has been thumping like a snare
It pauses my thoughts
Cover my ears
Shuts my eyes
Cross out the lies

It's love
After after some time it's what I find true

So my heart starts bleeding
Evil is feeding
Dream to connect me too you
Searching all alone

I can no longer block my eyes
So I want to come back to your lies
Tell me you can see it
My ghost standing
Outlined falling to it's knees

Maybe it's too much wine

I don't know
But lately
It's been stopping my heart

what will I do now without you ....

I'm a victim of circumstance
because love won't longer give me a little chance
I'm not lost in thoughts
I'm.melting in flesh
I need new feelings
Let my heart refreash


I feel.like I'm rushing in
Not feeling
But revealing
I feel blood rushing within
Feeling like I'm no longer in

The truth is
I feel down without you
Regretfully down within
Whose thoughts are mine ?
If I can't think without you

One fight tonight
Alone with a wall
Stare at my shadow
One punch
And I scream insanity
.... I know better days will come

I know better ways
To see the upcoming sun
I know other ways
So I will no longer run

I'm done with saving the world
Just to lose the girl

I'm sick of being unlucky
My anxiety isn't killing me.
It's straining my soul
I wake up dry
And sleep in sweat of stress

Im.fed up with poems
I'm done with complications
I'm sick of feelings going one way
I'm upset at my self

In jealous
In flames
Burnt and always in a stare


What will i do now ?

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..

Another sigh that goes unnoticed........sigh..... none of you remains so I wonder if you are still the same

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That feeling you give

The clock over my door
Ticks and tocks
As moments overlap
My Blindes let me see
And the light gives me sight
Its all beauty

Shirtless and half undressed
I lay in bed
Hearing the past take its last breath
Im partly covered
And barely awake
I
I play footsie alone
About to feel stoned
No frown today
Just a smile to show what i say

I wish to have your hands on me
I want to listen to it move accoss my skin
Feel you press my hips
Squeeze and stare at my eyes as i freeze

Rub my lips on your ears
And hear me breath for you
Holding you tighter
Because im getting higher

But ill lay alone
Beside my phone
Wishing you would call
Asking
May i also lay in this bed
And hug you tonight

Haunted

Written like a ghost
Cold
I felt like we were going to higher places
As soon as I realized heaven lied
It was just enough to see a mist

Abandoned moist in my eyes clear red
Vast in despair
I scream let me die I don't care when and where
So I tippy toe into a higher places

As soon as I got there I saw

I saw an abandoned us

you are.......

.....rare and beautiful
A smile that breaks guards
A presence that I adore
Somethings.
Other ladies would kill for

Your kind and sweet
My little treat
Keep me warm when there is no heat
... a reason why my heart skips beats

I realize what you mean
Sorry If I was ever mean
But I soon realize
Without you
I can't eat
I can't sleep
My heart has never felt so deep

With no you
I have no retreat
Your voice a guidence
My noose to a home

I really miss you when you are not here
Tired of pretending
You are here
Is it fear ?

But I know
You close your eyes
Also wishing you were here
Washing away all fear

The thought of you
With me
It's scary
But it makes me feel real


......... thank you for keeping my mind clear

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lack of oxygen

I know I have it
Just need to hold on

Seconds before
I know I can
Have you been reaching out ?
Wandering eyes

Let.me get this right
No second chances

My feet sweat and I spasm
My body swells

God no
No longer a victim
But I can't help it
My lungs are porous
My limbs are numb

I sweat with questions
Will I make it
Through the night

It seems like I can't

Time is running out
While my vitals crash
I rush to the door
Not sure if its worth the math

My.voice is a layer
Nothing left from my plans
Nothing left in the palm of my hands
As I freeze

My face is filled with tears
Finally in fear
My life is lacking red
My world slowly turns to black


I'm saying goodbye

I'm not sure ill.make it.back

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a lot on my mind tonight

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extreme

I dedicate this to them


I agree to disagree
Connected by heart
But divided by plans to be free
As I continue with my feelings
Your impulses will bite
Anchor to your fear
So you pray for nights
Like hands are tied
Start over again
You will die wishing
So ill only imagine
To defend your end
So like tied hands
You feel like you can't grasp
Down
Broken down
Your silent but your actions will.bring frowns
So.fight.every urge
It's only your minds purge
Why do we do this to ourselves
When fighting every word they say
They will not understand


This may be a man's last stand
if no one gives me a hand

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sold out

Geez there must be a special again , since I was sold out again -_-

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blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm dead bored , nothing to do iv done nothing but lay down on my sofa for the past week play drums for 10 mins and occasionally hop around if I need to use the bathroom

My ankle still hurts and I hate crutches I saw the movie lucky number slevin, well made film I really enjoyed the script.
I felt him and I could relate , and I was right deceiving and sexy

I made a dent on the couch which I like its like leaving my mark. Iv got some more time to make a bigger dent since ill be off till most likely Sunday -_-

I can imagine how my suicide attempts will be , ill probably end up.hurting myself and killing some one else ........ I won't kill myself ..... at least I intentionally , most likely accidental

I have been sober for almost a full week beer wise and it sucks because I can't escape my problems , so I'm forces to kinda nudge my ankle every so often to send a jolt of pain to kinda reside some thoughts .....






...



Sigh

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for some one

Words won't catch up
Memories just fade
Time.... just a lie to live for today

It's strange not having you day to day
It makes moments delay
I'm confined
Struggled
Confused about my ways

I can't dwell on it
So ill live through it
Like chemotherapy
But mentally

Youre.not aware
Of my despair
But you know its there
Days revolve
And my soul still dissolves

Sugercoat
I feel like I'm living with no throat
I can't contact you
But I do it because I miss you
So I think of moments with you

I still appreciate how it feels
It.helps me deal

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Tuesday

It's not typical for me to feel the what I did yesterday but it is who I am inside


Since my hospitalization this weekend which took me out for almost 5 days iv held a push inside to die. My mind is off balance but iv realized I need it to be that way sometimes since I don't have anyone to talk too so I NEED to compensate with anxiety, thoughts of being positive, moments of random depression and moments where I think possible plans that will improve my well being and that makes me happy

Iv had some strong moments today with my guest and after reflecting on todays chat I came to a conclusion ....... us as people will end ourselves when we no longer know what we see .

If we can't think of it , then it can't exist

The past few weeks iv been hurt with the thought of some of my relationships that have fallen apart
How some things happen with straight foreword results
And how the rest just maintain its action so that its effects are not seen for months

Any way this post is slowly degrading

Sighnessss..........

Another night where the conversation involves me myself and nothing will last because ic got nothing to lose with myself

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well

well its the same here I'm alone a lot of the time but like I say if you can't keep yourself company you can't keep people.company unless your drunk

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a truth from me

I don't understand people
I really don't
I do not

I.can't figure out
Why do people say
They feel this
But don't do that

Why do they lie
Manipulate
Keep you pinned
As a reserve

I'm not a.child
I hear your audio leer
But I'm not a fool

Lately
When people say

Juan Iv missed you
It sounds like
Juan they're dissing you

Like iv been gone
Like iv ignored
Like iv never texted
Replied
Or never Said hi

Not even to say
Feel better today


So w.e

I guess I shouldnt.care
But its not fair
It
Thickens the air

So Fuck you

Next time you all need me
I hope you get Fucked
I hope you shit yourselves
It hurts to understand
It's not who I feel I am

I guess after what happened
Thursday iv cone to realize
I value people more then their worth

I don't feel any better

But at least I have a heart made.of fucking leather

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without meaning I am

can barely
Don't want to hear it
I want
Run and hide
Just
.

I felt something in reverse
Nothing is fake
Description of something
It's all out of place
Yesterday
I woke up 9 times

Anything
I hum it out
I'm no longer involved
So why notice differences
Subtle urge
... but no real intention


Resolving my feelings
Since I'm the,only one dealing
Reverberated

On and on and on
It will end

Today I woke up
Multiple times
I must be on my last life
Hours to be fully awake

I guess death won't even accept me

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.............its too early

To have my chest shaved

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language of love

Sola sensi hodie de te cogito

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The heart keeps us alive without question or convincing

Our minds ask why

Why question the idea of living

Is death so much better
Because we predict
Nothing else can go wrong

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you

I should have
Could have
but if I had the chance would i
I have no one to say
Have faith on me
I should have never let you go

But I never did
These moments have me feeling
Left outside
While it pours
It covers my sight on white


Like I said
I never will
And when I get a chance
I'll do everything I never said


So I don't believe in anything you say
Because its only been that

Things you say

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no title

Iv been drawing blanks
I'm not sure if its my inner self
Or
Outside influences
Or maybe its the lack of.people
I don't know

Maybe I'm being extreme
Maybe I'm not taking it serious
I'm probably just
Thinking about things too much

I'm sure people know what it means
I'm sure people assume
Some laugh

Some steal
Some deal
But everyone says everyone isnt

I want key lime pie

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finding reasons

i wrote various drafts here

and came to the conclusion

everything i ever cared about is an illusion

everyone i ever loved became an intrusion

everywhere is not far if i tried

everything is nothing

nothing is everything

is everything nothing
or
is nothing everything

when i close my eyes

words dont mean a thing

and i cant explain

why i feel like

im still trying to find an excuse to write about us

Juan

Im the kind of person
Too loyal
Dedicated at worst
Compassionate at best

Tides are influenced by my ideas
Repeating.so bleak
So lonely as.change
She should have never been

Most situations aside
It's a little like being alive
The rest were caused from waiting
Hating
These thoughts belong too you


Late response
Delayed with patience
It echoes in my mind


aNDddd I
Wish I could please you
Knowing I'm not seeing you
I'm left aside to abide

Climax moments
Flow out our mouths
And into our box

And if it makes you happy
I'm not
I'm not myself
I'm gone in a part of you

Will I ever see the sky
I can't see past the dust
Yea I guess your nothing but lust


And if it makes you worry
I might have slid on the knife
Turning and stretching
Moments in forgetting

It's a little of what I might be

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her truth

Sometimes I get lonely
That's when you see smiles
Ask ne if I care
And ill reply with a thousand excuses

A man In pain
And my heart slows down
Thoughts manipulate into physical reactions
Is that why i can't breathe ?

I can't
Wrap my
Feelings into
One more line
So ill just cross the I

Love has gone now that I know what you want to say
My throat hurts because Iv held so acid
This is all making me sick

Grandma if I could change this I would

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step one

I keep an active mind to distract from the evil around,my temple
My home is in shards reflecting those who have seen it

Iv had to deal with moments where I can't stand the idea of losing what I havnt even earned

Yeeeeea
I'm still dealing

So yea maybe ill stay a little longer

What's going through my fingers

A secret passage for us

So don't make it useless

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this and that

Inside
With actions
My art is your caption
Soul deprived
Heart in mind
Shut up
Sonetimes
I feel like a sun set
Looking in one direction
Slowling leaving darkness on my trail

What's going through my heart
It feels like iv lost my hands
And I can't hold on
These Arnt thoughts of ending it

So I make it an issue to miss you
So what do I. make.of this
No body is home

Iv.got lies to tell you
And moods to share
When you talk
I listen
And I like it
I suggest we try and save
Because we never know when a checkpoint IS needed

Yea I heard you
But I'm not sure I listened
Iv got a million things I can do
But my actions end with you

For the one waiting
I'm not afraid
I'm in need of your capture
Rushing through my head
My chest burns another hole


I'm lost in consideration

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?

I Felt the ground shake

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you either swallow or you can

............Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown. Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown Drown ............

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after before

I have so much to say, things are moving ahead. With so much happening iv had too much time alone , its sad because I can't help but feel like I pushed everyone away, but i realized that's people just don't fit. And the ones I could have made room for..... it makes me feel like I'm drowning in shallow waters

after I realize
my lungs become
Moist with realization

need to stop
Writing in this
It gets nowhere

It's left me pretending

Clinging to my weaknesses
Losing your identity



















1212 bunny lol

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honesty will set you free.... no it just makes you look weak

It would be better if I were leaving
Every day
I die
Trying to find meaning

To wartch the day start without you
Makes things not feel true
So many ways to translate
But everything seems like waste

The way iv gone about this
Has me left behind
Maybe my heart is dying to press rewind

This is what I feel
Wishing to break things
To pretend I'm real

I'm left watching blinking lights
Accepting excuses
To take a win

So I'm dying for your words


The way I feel
A hundred times over

Now your presence is haunting me
My mind taunting me

This isn't The better off I intended

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an eye em u

Days drag on
Today I though of you
Yesterday too
The silence crushing
My blue face is fading

I chose memories
i knew would hurt
But its at my expense
But I'm still here to refuse these days
Where I don't feel educated
Never said bye

My redemption
It's red lights out
As you drive
The way
Iv lived
A hundred times
But it still makes no sense

I'm trying
I should be careful
But sometimes you can't control your heart
So I know it sounds unreal
But I have a friend

A ghost of you
So many days iv been blind ?
Just comatose
Iv realized
I wasn't blinded
I wasn't an idiot
I wasn't in fear
Never in this deep for someone

I experience living
But I numbed
It felt like it was all a dream
I.really did go up a stream
I giggle at your window filled steam
Filled it like a stream
Spider covered.screams
Been caught without a defense
Frequencies between you and I

Said this was over with
Distence and resistance
Get to mine
I'll know the signs
Let's get this over

Id like to get some sleep eventually

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I'm sloppy and aroused
I can't hold myself straight
Just to see who you are
Got us this far
Just holding to you
Makes this world gone

By the time the sun is there
There's absolutely nothing left but heaven
No longer afraid
I'm ready for more of you

So slow down
I'll be around
Only if you want me too
Redefine our sayings
So we don't read between the lines

So looking down the backside
I'm considering our friendship some more
You make me so blue
Urges for you

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I'm ficking GOHn
I'm watching red v blue while
Iv have done nothing but eat peanut bitter jelly sandwhiches pizza peanut butter crunch and resses cups x_x

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daily

It feels as I have nothing to understand
My feelings just waste
Ny feelings numb
Laying in bed
Just to fall back to sleep

My headphones
Can push me to rest
But I fight back
Because my daily living
I'm slowly decaying
slowing fading
And as each thought is thought about
My actions show death

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there's sonesing I need to say ca

I can't and if I could I wouldn't
Tell you much
It's still for me to keep
But sometimes
At times
Not many l
Little moments seconds
That , feel like ...its all still
Time is no longer valid

I wonder what I want with you
Since I know what I.can do with you
It's a pleasure
One we once both accepted untimely
As experiences have taught me by taking
I have given to make thier time a memory

So alone I sit outside
A stone at best
Cars lullaby my inner shell
And greys turns to my wants
Pavement burned with inches of pain
So ill assume
Hold my breath
Untill my skin gets tight
And wonder how far
My mind can take me

Leave it behind
With each footstep
Something will pass by
Held up high
I hum tones of my steps
Knowing I'm keeping my beats in check
My path is made
I march in form
Chin up
Moon shine every few steps
We were born to lead
Without crashing down
We will fail


Your much more then just a memory

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Linkin Park - "Waiting For The End" with lyrics

yup

I am bored, incredibly fucking bored, I want to do something ...... I thought about going out but im broke. I thought about rocking out, but i don't have any rocks to hang out with, and I don't like ubdomesticated rocks , they start to leave powdery white/grey scratches and they chip all over the place,yea..... I'm not down with that stuff. I don't hang like that bro, shits wack duuude ....

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I look up from the grown
And I sense my body
I'm floating
Far below where I know my soul is waiting

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momentary

.Been working and already made some bad financial decisions ,i already learned plenty from it .

Iv been lost with people. Or maybe I'm not interesting enough.
The pressure every morning
I forget its credibility
A type of questioning that teases you so you then forget if your either a falling structure of your friends, or just not be interesting as they made me appear , although the remaining ones have been interesting .

I'm slowly creeping
Brakes loose
So I have to push harder

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brain

Roads of ice
Cover sand
And the dry atmosphere
It's stinks of burnt destruction

It's covered with miles of panic
A shockwave of instincts
The light post will.host check points
This city
Concrete idol
Reality war games

Arise from downpours
And shine with glory
We must be solid like a tower
Because we are the back bone of this story

We sit like we are fused
Back, once when we felt the sun
Clouds were clean and visible
We can't tell pollution from night sky

Day or night
Even in plain sight
I can't see what's ahead

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CPU

It's Sunday ........11 past 2 am and I work in the morning, I'm anxious to get things started with my car. Not sire when ill get things running but its all set just need the correct body tech and ill be on my way , I already know what I want to do first when I get her back ! Go on a date ! ,.iv been dying to romance a lady for a while ! So today at work I was taken back at how good my co worker looked with her brown blond hair, definitely craving some two scoops haha, I need to list some weight iv let go but very mildly, honestly its a good size I have a super. Sexy ass face , I'm squishy but tender , and i shower.
I feel like a robot is in my skull...

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people just ficking sack

Sir, you sak
I had my two doors
But you closed that door
I'm going to fwking kick you in the gentelemans In my dreams and pee in you

But ill pee gas on you
Ignite you with an electrical spark
Put it out and then tie you down
Slide a knife on your skin
With enough pressure to slice you slightly

I'll rub icy hot on your slits
And under your eye
While I add sand with fire ants to your underwears

Thank you senior
I hope you shit your pants at an important event
Get a rash , infection and have a car door slam your ass because you suck

.......people SUCK

Friends
Family
Enemies
Only best kind of people
Are the ones with random acts of kindness
Because at least they help without remorse and if they do
It will repay them in equal

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journey

I'm sure its.not like it was before

and he said it repeatedly
and swore its only a lyric
with such parts of me tender
I wonder if ill ever build muscle again
I will and ill see
what you are with me

lungs collapsed
Windows shred
the.night will last for ever
my only seconds away from this body lay on your voice
and my experience only remembered with you
ill be gone
but ill return because the end is with you
but after this fight
things will feel like its too late

and now I'm gone

us is lost

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so glad you made it

its been a while since iv.taken a nap,( HaHA moment since I dont like taking things -_-)probably why I'm not content with knowing I don't care .
breathe in , breath out
it races through my mind
remembering why I'm me
and ill pay for my own

I want to burn ideas
and change my thoughts
that knowing about love and know everything I know
is life
ill trade my knowlegde
for a hot gf and a stacked bank account
but all I do is wake up
ask my self what for
and this moment only shows I'm willing to give up

but I know I always wait for that one more time
because people say its not my fault
but I keep finding my self listening to those voices of you I recorded in my head to think of you while your gone
its another plan backfired

things at home have been
getting too intense
icant say much there because I'm reaching my personal limit with this
I stare at my sliding window
and can't help but wish you were sticking your face and making faces at me

so people go around ficking each other but consequence comes at its purest form or am I out growing these feelings
but everybody's doing it

tonight is pretty heavy on me
so ill hit the pipe then remind myself


Juan, feelings.change...not you

....

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If we could only be in different places,
Among the same faces we can't forget,
I'd debt to the very distinction of love and hate
They're both in our hearts, we choose an imbalance
Oh, the thought, we are the force that make us
That must be why we're suffering
Interaction, delayed reaction
I've got taxes, and bills to pay
Somethings flapping, it's wings at me
Someone's clapping, I guess we're on t.v.
slow down, you broke down, ??
slow down
stop now?
indefinitely
Moving in the right direction
I'm waiting to see if it comes to me,
or it's tied to a safe that is in the sea floor
Maybe I'll sleep, maybe I'll sleep through the century
I'm waiting to see if it comes to me,
or it's tied to a safe that is in the sea floor
What was going through my head?
Touch the pressure point on my neck
My head will snap off and fall into
The secret passage we built for enjoyment
Don't bring this to the picture
Did you manage your time?
Do you know how I do?
Downpour
On the point of your fucking patience
So I'll make this up, so we could proudly sign
Shit has come to this, it feels like no body's home
So my cover is blown, ?
And I won't forget what it means

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taking back Sunday , spin

at times I wonder
how you can be anywhere but here
and I know
that I will never change
like love letters that mend
I smile when I see your face
and I know that youll never stray
like air
you were there through sunlight
and moon lit sexual nights
we've been friends
for some time
but my heart is telling me
she's not one too lose

inside this fight for youth
sometimes I fear
that iv dug a hole not deep enough
I know I needed a quick escape
rain or shine
grey moments are examples
of the moments
where yesterday was gone too early because we wanted a future together but we lost sight that we both don't understand our own game of hide n seek

its not the way
its the push
why don't I ever get.an answer
with questions to fill her I don't knows
and answers you somehow manage to fight me for
I'm no weak , you just have me In such a way
so ill say maybe to replace baby

and I won't be bothered because I just want to celebrate
another moment you took to stay
thank you for the kisses that mended
those hugs I wake up from
and the moments where i had to search no more


punch block kick

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other team

its a shame I don't know your name girl
your attitude has me on guard
its impact is a pressure that gets me in need of some of that
I can see you like to attack
like a devious snake
curves with no slow downs
and so quickly
I'm high from the pain
that you savor your own blood
but that's fine
ssomeday
your desire will age like wine
and ill enjoy every single drop

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a feeling

rupture the masses
and show the individual that hides
in our hearts our selves won't compensate
our memories won't forgive
and our passions will light our path
my fingers , the translators between you and I
the methods I cave you with
and an oil rig that no longer has lubrication
but no one ever hears you ..
and then the wind dances around you
and like embers in a dark path
our passions will light the way

and love didn't lead us astry
we were just cut from her eyes and learned not to Chase
we move sideways when we sense our selves being held back
then we reach a point where
in a god we trust blindly
because we have no idea
we have faith in fashion and commercials
for the idiots

to be fooled while obvious
we believe him when we need him
after all walls come down
we realize the things that matter
only after the crystal ball shatters , is when we can share our diamonds to the world



its just a feeling I have, after we shatter we open spread our inner self

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I'm SOo

I need to see
and sometimes i repeat myself.......lol
everything like noise skips a beat
I'm not sure you understand
Idk its smooth with a bass drum
I'm tired of losing myself
watching others exit me
I'm so extreme
when nothings down that motivates ne
I sing atrocity
rather be known then denied
just. dream for this moment
surroundings are blurred while I type these letters for you to experience what in feeling
nor even failure

not even failure

not even

rather be known
then denied
rather be known then
be wrongfully accused

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I found

it is labor day weekend, well labor day to be more specific. iv had some time to deal with some things, even though it still gets to me. I had a pretty good weekend, even though for some reason I was hoping to spend it with some one in particular, but I'm not sure how things are going there, iv learned what I'm searching for and I just need the chance.

so I spent my birthday actually having fun!
all the stars up above us
they let me see what was in front of me.
I laughed, cried alittle and discovered a few new people, its no surprise that I felt empty the following day , im used to having a different outcome.

im close to getting the msp running, as soon as I get those wheels spinning i know where things will be heading

I found my reason losing you

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I could care less.behind this surface

I should have know
that I had it all along
and
I didnt know it untill you were gone

I guess I still miss you
moments of me and you
language for dysfunctional people

so its been day after day
lay back and think
you threw me away
its such a shame
its been days
I know your trying to escape but people.can get lost like that


you turn me from grey to green
and this is where I stop admitting


igismys

happy birthday to me and you

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noche solo con Jew

nights where my hand cringes near your head
our sweat is infused like silk and we can barely hold on
so ill hug you to melt you with the warmth you make me breathe with
with memories we know

tonight
we long for no end
the sun will be a bad sign
we are darkness
devious and so dam curious

nails burn and trail your path
and I rub your face to let you know i am blind to your physical
your heart captures my being
it knows me

I am passion
we no longer feel bodies
we just feel

I hear you laugh
sense you smile
giggle endlessly with desire
slowy indulge on your neck with my
lips
warm bites exhailing with my urge but I grasp for air and inhale your presence
makes you cold with a void but satisfied to know ill make you warm again




nibblenibblenibble ....... d;

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rain during day light

I guess I still miss you
a dysfunctional gift from you
you always said you'll fall in love with me some day
so I wouldn't have to go away
I needed what I did because want i what isn't there

as this song screams out HEY!
its followed by how any second
there's a chance for a meltdown
so this is why at don't talk anymore?

i could have used the extra time
and I'm not sure why I even care
because i was never there

only to hear your voice one more time
made me fall to the floor
blame myself
save. mysoul with my big hug
and its not your fault is all I hear you keep saying

i wish I. had it the other way

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my stomach is bleeding

its pain inside that im forcing to escape
i can not live another moement with such forced guilt
i know it makes no sense but im moving along


i might be moving on monday to another city
idk whats going to happen
i tried holding on to where i belong
iv found my self to my old self lately
beem listening to lost prophets alot more then i have been in a while
and i love it i still listen to thursday but lost prophets was always alot more pop and upbeat which is who i really am

i sold my camera, been saving my money and im pissed since my foot injury is making me miss work !

ill make it through each day singing death or glory ;)

my feets and camera

ppp
along the path of manhood, things will be left behind, those things, defined with no remorse, are old parts that seen like paintings, they are vivid and non forgiving.,its these moments where personality becomes priority . iv found my self losing pretty much everything because I didn't know a dam thing about what I wanted.

8 hours later
iv been here thinking of the news my family got today
I'm alright and still myself
my wound is a lot better but I still feel sick because the shot

so I did what I had to do and sold my pride and joy
today I found myself.thinking of someone


I turn 23 this wens
its been an amazing year

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animal instincts and a question of loss

I wrote my soul out a few days ago and iv never felt so accomplished about actually writing mot of my.day.
the blog.client didn't upload but I got lucky and saved.most of.it
so here it is with a revised end

ytoday was interesting
but a plan filled, and rewarding ,,for now....I hope, anyway I woke up extremely tired from last nights pi,
and I promised a friend I would help her with her fender. so her friend picked me up anid an hour later I was getting greasy.
we then go on a mission to buy glue because she decided to place back her left light back it,-_-, I'm sure you can assume what happened next,we headed out to Walmart where its always filled with big ass .
as I walk in,I mention the usual and I get a silly smile in return. I felt like a dirty man , blaming the fact that I didn't wash my arms and forearms after getting greasy lol. we get some 2 dollar glue and start walking towards foods. but nerves crawl up and massage you numb and you find yourself staring......like a hawk, everything didn't just blur out I zoned in to all details with a curiously willed mindset. its complex but I never got this close to the other guy....but it was an experience that made me think of natural instincts one pure soul can achieve like the lions in the jungle checking out its past enemy and wondering what makes me so god dam different
you can call it dwelling, but that only applies to those that impose it on themselvs. I mention to my lady friend like gossip and like always was not listening.... we later head back to electronics because her dog raped thier computer charger.despite the fact of our job benefits she still rather buy it here ,we snake through isle looking fishy. and sneak up towards computers,incidently she walks up to a tall white, with mixed brown hair and special shoes, a soft blue shirt and an employment tag , it was a person I might have seen before ,like dead skin falling off. He did not recognize my movement, and it was short lived .......while we walk contra the woman inside me whispers some serious questions especially one that my friend had to motion to ask and I simply said Idk girl lol , it was done just as fast as it started .
we tried glueing the head light back together but this girl.can do some serious damage lol, we met up with bumble bee where I drank a couple beers and hit the pipe I spoketh the truth to him it was nice to have a conversation. since Iv been.on my own for a while was so good that we cobtinued the talk in the walk to his car which was a mile away... we ended the night

While doing my first body job on a mustang my friend flower asked me about something she saw me wearing, I said somebody , and she went to step two , still talk ? No , did you fight ...... and I lit a called Turkish blend add I ignored by saying I don't know , what bothered me was the fact that I felt just the way I did as I did with cable (no names mentioned)
At least this time it was more valid, I lost a friend ? Even worse.I still miss her day to day despite I'm not holding on to anything just sonethings that were genuine,
I have nothing else to say at the moment

So to the point
It was a great day.
Considering my friend lives. A few.doors down from.doughs cousins house, considering encounters and.getting attacked by a cute pit rowler looking dog

But just because you can drink water.doesn't mean you can't drown

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hi

hi

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death

in silence

So its been a while since iv entered in this mode. It's completely harsh and no matter how many times I repeat its going to end, it just hits harder . I'm not a sucker, its just that in this particular situation I didn't realiz3 how much control I had on the palm of my hands to influence a positive living . I slowly grew a part that reached into her but I didn't.say a.thing I assumed and I then .just let it.crumble..my thoughts have crossed.a line and its based off the current living I'd my estate

It's been hard to express my solitude
It's only I who seems to understand

I am regretful
But not dead

I feel how much it was worth
I'm broke and not just money wise

I know
But knowing only affects so much

If I could control time
Then maybe you would.be mine

Suicide is.not an answer
But a fools solution

I'm no fool
But i acted as one

Anyhow

I learned and now I just stay in silence, there is so much I want to do.back.
I just can't wait to redeem myself
I deserve to make up for protecting my heart
And I know I will prove my name

Any way
I'll stay in silence because its what she wanted
Sigh
Lol its probably payback but I'm willing to repay with interest

Hi

The world is silent
And my own is not mine
I took because its human
I gave because its compassion
Its not us or alien
Its inside that we do not own
We walk debating
But we talk fading

But we is us and us is i
So please dont end it with a sigh

Want to let go

Its almost eleven and it is the 15 th of july
So far things have sucked so bad im sure eva angelina cant compete lol

. .< that space ? Its how close i am to joining the marines, i came upon this because i really need money but i also am .. ( another example of closeness)(( being honest here )) that close to stabbing a knife on any visible area on my skin, i know it sounds extreme but for any one that knows me , and not many really do, im too much of a pussy to do this. Many decisions have affected this influence, i am too aware of possibilities but so am i aware of possible failures.

Anyway
Iv been trying to move on with my recent situation with her and i really cant let this go and it really bothers me.
Iv tried so long to say ok not possible, but i was caught of guard
My heart is meant to love, well not love but really like those that show me compassion. She wouldnt stop at all , persistince is what i like and i blew it , straight to the point , i never knew not risking emotions was a dangerous adventure...../:

I honestly never knew i would feel like this for any one else and i hate it
It hurts me so much to know i might have lost what i had in front of me
Its not being blind
Its fear
And its done more then its job
It may have done sone serious damage
I cant be friends with some one iv made love too
I know some guys might call me a pussy or a punk, but i dobt give a shit
My feelings are felt by me so i know alot more then the visible.
But it wasnt just a kiss or grabbing
It was heart beats and warmth
My passion was there
Things that i swore no one else would be able to drag out of me

..... But as said before
Im not dwelling
Im just sad since
I really have no friends that will not understand but just dont give a shit
Or just cant help me cope



I guess i still have my reasons why i can consider some way to remove my exsistince

But as of now i miss you and to my family
Im sorry for anything i might do
Im not crazy
Im not sick
I know what love and hate are
I know about being poor and rich

I had a name and i had people in my life that were proud to call me thier boy friend

I had it all
But im left with nothing at all
I cant or wont give up

..... I just dont belong in this universe

To everyone .....love yourself but love others
I know i dont belong in a world with cheaters liars and thieves
And ill cry every night untill i die in my sleep
But ill stay be myself because its all i have

The line

So my healing will start to stop
And my surroundings are numb
So i feel like crossing the line
The horizon where things blur
While i put these letters in front of you
My stomach feels empty
The nights haunt me
Where words used to make me warm

So now i can barely eat
Im restless untill the pill dissolves

So our hands untie and the world
Seems to divide
And i fall in
Words are spoken
And now i feel broken

That line was our starting line
A libe i never left you cross
And when i wanted to?
It was to late

Trying to move my heart

Its stuck
A little dry
An a little sore
Its been beating and in sync with my mind
Which it almost never does
----
Anyway

Im not sure if this is ever going to be read by anyone
Iv been trying to avoid facebook and social sites because as much as i try i cant deny my soul its only method of expression and i dont need people calling me this or that considering they barely know my problems or moments i smile
Well this way since im paintless and iv literally have no motivation anymore
Im not sure how much longer i can take this place, typical b.s no one is content with how thier life is going but most dont understand the hardships others go through.

As noticable my sentences are out of place and i cant move words well
I only had a handful of chips two small bites of icecream and alot of water
Im exhausted right now my mind is not racing its paced
Im forcing myself to move some feelings
Around since i really dont know where things .... Or my life for that matter stand. Im close enough to join the armed forces, its not an act because the past few days but im done with my financial , relationships and emotinal problems

Im broke , im an idiot and no one cares

Its a nice order of operations lol, not that its a funnie problem but dam i never thought my soul full of wonder, will, ideas, love and so on would be the one regreting and not acconplishing

Ironic
Nice ones do not finish last
We allow people to get ahead of us

Keep this short
Iv decided to leave america for a while but not sure leavig is a good idea as much as i hurt here..... What hurts the most is all my friends are gone .....

In pieces

Words are spoken
And the way i feel is mine alone
Walking into something
I wanted it one way
But ended up lying to myself
Now
Im in pieces

I knew i would create confusion
Why do we do this to ourselves
We are fighting every world we build

Why do we do this
Reward ourselfs with every feeling we sell
Ii want to dance the night away
But ill sleep in pieces alone again

Qouo

That fight that made me want you back

I won't shut up
Nor shut down
I will not fight with you
Nor fight for you
I can't go on
But this time it's worth more then the chance in mind

I have done this all befor
Waiting gets harder everytime
I dont know how to stay still
But I can't afford to leave this place

And I will not hold on
But wanting more has got me waiting
And I will not
This time
For love

I will hold on
For this time
Because I can't believe this chance I'm taking

Dont feel

It feels much beter
To know you woint feel a thing

They pull me in with thier accomplishments
With anoter sick feeling
I'm struck with a morning sour
So I'll still move
This is something to think about
But this is temporary
But it still feels much better to know you don't feel a thbng

I can't be honest to myself
Wishing I was some one else
Rewashing my current
And
I really wish we were ble to talk about it
And I want to open and close that door just because run aways never close the door and say good bye
At least I'll know you will be fine





So after so long
My world has grown
And my tragedy have been nothig but jokes
With every laugh I lam

But some times I wish I was him

Into the blinding light

So we cross
Back and fourth like if we were saints
With every injection
It leaves a mark like lipstick on his neck
It leaves an impression
So we burst into ants and work endlessly
With faith as an excuse
We continue
And continue
AND we still continue
Without
Her feelings without consideration
Is hurtfull
And despite our advances
We only end where she never was

There is nothig left to control but things to maintain

All I see in her is apathy

To my grandma
I'm so sorry for the past 5 months

It's no ones fault but I cry when I see you cross horizons into the blinding light

To an old lover we perish like mist in a sunny day

Dear friends
We are gathered here to show
That differences can
And will never mean a thing

With some more experiences
I will never remember who you were
It's not the same on our own

Tonight I wont claim to be over you
I only claim to care


The worst vow is a broken vow
So to those that keep thier peace
Leta keep living with our voices flattened out

To an old lover we perish like mist in a sunny day

Dear friends
We are gathered here to show
That differences can
And will never mean a thing

With some more experiences
I will never remember who you were
It's not the same on our own

Tonight I wont claim to be over you
I only claim to care


The worst vow is a broken vow
So to those that keep thier peace
Leta keep living with our voices flattened out

Not the best way to open you up

I can not express
Nor can I demonstrate,
.....Or connect us in any way
To indulgde
Swallow my soul
Grab me by the throat
Watch me fade away then release me to see me smile to watch you let me go
Because I know you
I know that it may cone as a surprise but
I am confused
Don't give in living in this world
Like violent swirls
We confine in things we relate to.
But we can only relate when you open that strong gate